Same old same old stuff and one new kind of stuff

Something I forget to tell people about PD is that it's all about routine.

We do the same things every day.  Day after day.  For as long as we have to.  It's pretty much like breathing after a while.  You don't really think about it, you just do it.

Setting up the machine.  Tearing down the machine.  Then setting up the machine again.

Sometimes I get to the end of a setup and I suddenly snap to attention and realize I've set up the machine without really thinking about it.  It's that repetitive.

Don't panic.  You won't die of boredom.  There are plenty of alarms to go off in the middle of the night to keep you entertained.  Or maybe you'll face the dreaded "my drain line is too short" dilemma when you have to get up during the night to go pee.  Oh - you might also get a weird delivery person.  That shakes things up.

All of this relates to the fact that I haven't posted on here in quite a while.  I honestly felt like I wasn't sure I had anything to say.  But I do.  I'm deep into the routine of PD.  It seems pretty humdrum to me, however, I know there's more to talk about.

Lately I have been wrestling with the issue of food.  I've had some really excellent lab work lately - I mean, it's unusually good.  But it came with some sacrifice.  Yes, the medications do counteract some of the "bad" things we eat.  I still need to do some work on my part, though. 

It's a little bit of a mind game at times.  The PD staff want us to eat plenty of protein.  But frankly, the best stuff with protein is also usually served with bread or pasta.  Or cheese.  I've been skipping the carbs and the dairy now for quite a while.  I would not say it has been easy.  And I have actually been a bit cranky about it.  What I need is to find a balance.  A way to satisfy the cravings without starting a new co-dependent love affair with bread and cheese.

I've learned that my body is a bit on the wheat-intolerant side.  Which is actually a good thing - I mean, if I eat bread I will feel terrible.   So... that's good, right?  Not really.  Bread is delicious.  And it's been a part of my diet my whole life.  I kinda love it.

After reviewing my labs from the last year, I can see spikes in the phosphorus values for the months where I ate with wild abandon.  I have real proof that my diet impacts my health.  But what I'm wondering is how to balance the way the diet impacts my health and the way my diet impacts my happiness.

When I get a good lab report (meaning, when I have a month of eating protein, veggies, fruit, and only rice for carbs), I get praised.  I get told I'm doing this right.  But it's directly related to the sacrifices I make in my diet.  And I think this is a gateway to an eating disorder.

Having to be so aware of every single thing one eats is a delicate issue.  I'm just starting to poke at the surface of this topic.  I'm going to think on it some more and see where this goes.

For the record, my speculation that my dialysis routine is related or could be related to an eating disorder is a very general idea.  It's not a fact.  And I haven't exactly figured out how it all fits together.   I'm just saying that I can sense a real struggle developing in me related to food intake and dialysis labs.  I realize this is unusually personal information, but I felt like sharing these thoughts and maybe they will mean something to you.

Eating well is like being good.  It has it's rewards.  But eating with abandon is just so darned delicious.  I hate to think of food as having a value of being "deserved," yet I can't help but feel there is something deeper - something psychological? - going on here.

Will write more as this issue becomes clearer to me.

Please do not view this as a negative aspect of PD.  It's really more of an issue simply related to anyone with a medical condition.  Weighing the quality of life lived against the quantity of life expected.  I think it deserves some thought.

Hope you are all well.

- Rachael M.