Of all the posts that we do, I think this is going to be the hardest one for me to push "publish" on. Rachael and I promised each other, and therefore you, that we would be totally honest about this dialysis life thing. No glossing it over, no making it sound OK when sometimes it really isn't. I think we both bring positive attitudes to the table, so that definitely helps our health and our outlook and how we take on this challenge of dialysis.
As you can see from the blog title, today's subject is dating. I am single, Rachael is married. She will bring other issues to the relationship dialogue that I can't address.
I have never been big into the dating scene. I like it, it's fun and I've been on some great dates - both before and after dialysis. I don't think I've particularly liked myself enough to have the confidence to date a lot, or even to commit to a relationship. I find it challenging to build up the relationship to the point of being comfortable with another person.
Hmmmmmm.....How can I explain? You know the friendships you have from high school? People that have known you for so long that you don't have to explain yourself to them? I LOVE those relationships, so when dating, I find it exhausting and frustrating to try and get to that point with someone I've just met.
Now add a chronic illness into the mix.
I always struggle with how to tell someone that I'm on dialysis and that it is a major part of my life. Heck, it is my life. How and when do you tell someone this major thing? Is it a first date confession? A third date revelation? I have never found a balance.
And when I've told someone...well, I've gotten a very good view of their ass as they've hightailed it in the other direction. It IS a big thing to take on, I get that...but I'm still the same person.
So then I start to think that maybe they just needed the excuse to run the other way.
And hello...bing bing bing...*rejection*!
And thus, dating on dialysis sucks.
I don't do it. For the past few (many?) years, I've figured that it's better to shut that part of my life down and focus on work and hobbies and more work so that I don't have to keep putting myself out there in order to be, once again, rejected. It is here that I feel like I am less of a person and more of a disease. I always think - who wants to touch me and my catheter? Honestly, my catheter is a small part of my body, but when it comes to affection, it looms in my head as the ONLY part of my body.
When I was on hemo, I had a central line going from under my collarbone to my heart and it didn't bother me half as much as the catheter on my stomach does. And you could see the central line. Perhaps that's why I was OK with it. People could see it if I wore a v-neck or open collar shirt and it didn't bother me. I was definitely more comfortable with my body and with dating and with being intimate with someone when I was on hemo.
Weird. I wonder why that is.
Anyway, that is my issue. I hope it's not yours. I hope you meet a man or a woman who looks past the disease and into your heart and soul and mind and gets to know you as YOU.
I know we are trying to create a bit of a manual for you to use as you move through a life on dialysis; I wish in this area that I had some good advice, but right now I don't. I've said to Rachael that this blog is better than therapy; and as we progress with our writing, perhaps I will resolve some of the issues I have and become more at peace with dating while on dialysis. And then I'll write fun posts about things to do that don't tire you out and how to break the news to someone and how great it is to have someone in your corner. And how someone looks giving you a hug instead of running the other way. :)
I'd like to get to the point where I don't care what people think. That what people see is what they get and if they don't like it, screw 'em. I have a lot to offer and ... and ... but I'm not there yet.
So maybe you, our readers, will have advice for me on this topic instead of the other way around! :) (and going back on hemo is NOT the option I'm looking for!) :)
Thanks for listening.
RachelT
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